5 Years of Dating: How I've Moved On
The sole purpose of creating The Minor Detail was for me to cultivate an authentic space serving as a resource for women (like myself) navigating and transitioning through life.
I’ve encountered a lot in the past year and I am learning that in order to share my stories and lessons, I have to truly allow myself to experience them wholeheartedly. Often times I feel super inclined to share my experiences, but I have learned that I am doing myself an injustice if I rush the process. By the same token, I am also a very private individual. Only those closest to me are truly kept up to speed on the latest in my life and I can admit that I depend on their discreteness to keep me protected. While I understand my story is still being written, I felt prepared and inclined to share this chapter, how I’ve grown, and healed from it.
Photo By: Jaida Brinkley
In early 2019, I made the decision to end my relationship of 5 years. We were college sweethearts and had been attached at the hip since 2013. Our relationship was definitely what I would consider healthy and the furthest from toxic. Looking back, it took time to really grasp the idea that just because a relationship feels good doesn’t necessarily make it good for you. *Super side note* I actually read a blog post on The Everygirl a few months ago titled “How to Know Your Healthy Relationship is No Longer Serving You”. While I had already come to the realization and made my own decision, I would definitely recommend taking a read if you feel like this topic resonates with you.
Honestly speaking, when we initially had the “break-up” conversation I felt pretty neutral. I wasn’t extremely sad nor was I overjoyed with happiness as if I had just won my freedom back. I simply wanted to put all of that energy into me and really give myself the opportunity to process what my next steps would be moving forward. There are so many thoughts that run through your mind in the moment; “Do we still communicate?” “When is too soon to date?” “Do I even want to date?” “Does he/she hate me?”. The honest answer is that there is no right or wrong answer to those questions. I’m no expert, nor do I have all the answers. I simply know what worked for me and if there is anyone in a similar situation that I am able to help, I want to be of service.
I believe an important element for any ended relationship (both platonic and intimate) is understanding that it is in fact a loss. You go from speaking to said person and factoring them into your daily routine to them almost seemingly no longer existing. Once you accept the idea that experiencing this loss isn’t an overnight process, you truly begin to benefit yourself. *Thank God for therapy*
You are not responsible for the opposite party’s reactions/behaviors
You being concerned with how the other person will respond emotionally is extremely normal. However, there comes a point where you must put yourself first. Being overly considerate of the other person’s feelings can be the very thing that postpones your progress moving forward. People-pleasing won’t benefit you, the only person who needs to be pleased at this time is you.
Remaining Actively Present
I can be a huge overthinker at times. In order to keep myself from constantly racking my brain about things out of my control, I learned to be actively present. This means that I am actively participating in what is happening in the present moment, but not allowing my thoughts to go too far into the future. Obsessing about the future and moving forward won’t get you there any sooner, take my word for it. Learn to trust the process and find peace in remaining in the moment.
Leaning into Vulnerability
I’ve grown to understand that a key element to truly growing and understanding myself is being honest about my feelings and weaknesses. If I would have never learned how to be vulnerable with myself, I would not be able to be open and honest about how my weaknesses were stunting my growth. Being vulnerable is oftentimes viewed as a weakness within itself, but it truly is a strength. It’s about learning not to minimize your feelings because you believe they’re invalid and raising the bar by becoming honest with yourself and what you want.
Settling for What is Familiar
As a disclaimer, this does not mean that you are better or more worthy than your previous partner or vice versa. We all find comfort in what feels most familiar to us. However, there can come a time when settling in what no longer serves you holds you back from experiencing life’s (and God’s) best for you. We all have personal preferences and qualities that we would like to see our significant other possess, why settle for anything less than that? This doesn’t necessarily mean that you must go out and find someone new either. I think it is also very beneficial to do heart checks from time to time to ensure that you possess the same qualities that you are looking for in a partner. Take time to learn yourself and remember that you are more than capable of fulfilling those same desires within before searching to feel “completed” by someone else.
While I am still a work in progress, I am extremely proud of my growth. There was a time when I was afraid of even considering making the decision. *Y’all should have seen me on my first date post break-up, a nervous wreck LOL.* That said, considering everything that has happened in my life since that moment, I wouldn’t change choosing myself for anything in the world.